OKnLA

i wake up every morning knowing i'm not doing what i'm supposed to be doing. i'm not quite sure what my purpose is but i know it's not this. everyday at work something goes wrong. everyday i'm made to feel like it's my fault. everyday i work so hard knowing i will never get ahead. the job is set up to keep me in a hamster wheel, never moving forward. i don't know how much longer i can take it. it's almost as depressing as my job search. that hamster wheel isn't even moving. sometimes i wish someone would just tell me what to do. tell me what to do and i will do it. none of my ideas are working. i want to take a cake decorating class. i want to learn to bake amazing desserts. i love baking. i love making things sweet and pretty and watching people eat them and close their eyes and smile. i don't want to take a photography class. i don't like real life. my mind remembers things so much prettier than pictures do. i want to write a bo

time ACTUAL ACTIVITY what i wanted to be doing 5:30 a.m. ALARM SOUNDS, I WOKE UP sleeping 6:00 a.m. SNOOZE ALARM SOUNDS, NOT THE FIRST TIME sleeping 7:50 a.m. WALKING MY DOGGIE SONIC taking sonic on a hike 8:34 a.m. ARRIVING AT WORK LATE taking sonic on a hike 11:00 a.m. BEGINNING OF A DAY OF MARATHON MEETINGS various activities including baking a cheesecake, continuing a search for okra, catching up on current events, getting my hair done. calls to catch up with friends back home that i always miss due to the time difference 5:00 p.m. DINNER AND DRINKS WITH THE VP AND NEW TEAM MEMBERS dinner and drinks with friends where we schedule our upcoming trip to Vegas when is the part when i start having fun? i know it's my fault, but i just can't figure out how to jumpstart the life i want to be living.

did you ever realize you were living a lie? a lie so convincing that you couldn't see it was a lie at all. in blissful denial you kept going day after day thinking life really was the way that it was. you believed the lie. and even when it all started crashing down around you, you continued to cling to it. flashing lights and big detour signs had no effect. until everything went dark. and then you were all alone. and you realized it was all one big fat lie. the problem is that the lie was what you believed in - it was your life. and now it was all gone. well that's what happened to me, and that's where i've been. but now i'm back to appease my clamoring public. i wish i could say it was my idea, but i'm back due to a great deal of pressure from parties i will not name at this time. this post and subsequent posts are part of an experiment. i'll have you know that, one post in, i'm not doing well at the experiment. my assignment was simple: write. no restr

i'm accepting the fact that i can't sleep. it's 2 a.m. and i'm going to be REALLY sorry in about four hours. i have a lot on my mind. usually when that happens i sleep a lot, which is what i've been doing the last week. perhaps i've used up all of my sleep hours. my little- doggie -sonic, on the other hand, has done nothing but sleep since i picked him up from doggie daycare today. YES!! sonic went to doggie daycare for the first time today. well, yesterday. since The Man left he has been really clingy and over protective. he growls and barks at every little thing, and he's always full of energy now that he is alone all day. i figured the best affordable solution is a day at doggie daycare each week. last weekend he passed his temperament test at The Pampered Pet , so we set his all day appointment. when i dropped him off wednesday morning it broke my heart. he didn't understand why i couldn't go with him to the play room. the lady had to pic

so he left. not on a midnight train to georgia, but on an afternoon flight to tulsa. same thing. there are perks to living alone: 1) i can decorate the apartment all girly like 2) i can eat whatever i want without worrying if there's enough for both of us 3) i watch whatever i want to watch whenever i want to watch it without having to turn it all the way up to compete with whatever he's listening to 4) all of the electric outlets are for me 5) the whole bed is for me 6) when i clean something it stays that way until i make it dirty 7) my leftovers don't disappear 8) when i want it to be quiet, it's quiet. but when i want to hear him he's not here. as hard as i listen, he's definitely gone. this city is packed with lonely people; it's the saddest irony i think i've ever witnessed. and now i feel like i'm joining the club. well okay, lonely boys and girls of LA. let's get this plan back on track. for the next few weeks i'm concentrating on loo

i don't handle hangovers as well as i used to. saturday morning, january 1 must have happened, but i didn't see it. i didn't get out of bed until 1 pm, and that's only because we went to see a movie. otherwise i'm pretty sure i would have stayed in bed the entire day. there are two or three small theaters in walking distance from our apartment. one is literally across the street and was playing The Social Network , which i've been wanting to see for awhile. the movie was just as good as everyone said. very rock star tech. i loved the venue, too. i will definitely go back. if you see a movie before 6 pm you save two bucks, which brings it down to an Oklahoma priced movie ticket. next i successfully wasted the rest of the first day of 2011 being lazy. it started to rain, which washed away any motivation i may have had to do anything at all. and it continued to monsoon through sunday, but i couldn't be lazy two days in a row. i did some work on my entertainmen