OKnLA

i wake up every morning knowing i'm not doing what i'm supposed to be doing. i'm not quite sure what my purpose is but i know it's not this. everyday at work something goes wrong. everyday i'm made to feel like it's my fault. everyday i work so hard knowing i will never get ahead. the job is set up to keep me in a hamster wheel, never moving forward. i don't know how much longer i can take it. it's almost as depressing as my job search. that hamster wheel isn't even moving. sometimes i wish someone would just tell me what to do. tell me what to do and i will do it. none of my ideas are working. i want to take a cake decorating class. i want to learn to bake amazing desserts. i love baking. i love making things sweet and pretty and watching people eat them and close their eyes and smile. i don't want to take a photography class. i don't like real life. my mind remembers things so much prettier than pictures do. i want to write a bo...

time ACTUAL ACTIVITY what i wanted to be doing 5:30 a.m. ALARM SOUNDS, I WOKE UP sleeping 6:00 a.m. SNOOZE ALARM SOUNDS, NOT THE FIRST TIME sleeping 7:50 a.m. WALKING MY DOGGIE SONIC taking sonic on a hike 8:34 a.m. ARRIVING AT WORK LATE taking sonic on a hike 11:00 a.m. BEGINNING OF A DAY OF MARATHON MEETINGS various activities including baking a cheesecake, continuing a search for okra, catching up on current events, getting my hair done. calls to catch up with friends back home that i always miss due to the time difference 5:00 p.m. DINNER AND DRINKS WITH THE VP AND NEW TEAM MEMBERS dinner and drinks with friends where we schedule our upcoming trip to Vegas when is the part when i start having fun? i know it's my fault, but i just can't figure out how to jumpstart the life i want to be living.

did you ever realize you were living a lie? a lie so convincing that you couldn't see it was a lie at all. in blissful denial you kept going day after day thinking life really was the way that it was. you believed the lie. and even when it all started crashing down around you, you continued to cling to it. flashing lights and big detour signs had no effect. until everything went dark. and then you were all alone. and you realized it was all one big fat lie. the problem is that the lie was what you believed in - it was your life. and now it was all gone. well that's what happened to me, and that's where i've been. but now i'm back to appease my clamoring public. i wish i could say it was my idea, but i'm back due to a great deal of pressure from parties i will not name at this time. this post and subsequent posts are part of an experiment. i'll have you know that, one post in, i'm not doing well at the experiment. my assignment was simple: write. no restr...