I'm so guilty.
I've always been a bit of a boyfriend shamer. I shame people for having cute relationships and loving their boyfriends a little too much. I shame myself for loving my boyfriend even a little bit. I shame my boyfriend for being amazing.
All of these things are wrong and I am so disgusted with myself. It makes no sense.
I do not trust men. I've had this problem all of my life and I'm not sure where it came from. I have an incredible, loving father and grandfather. I had spectacular male role models growing up and today. But somehow I've been taught to never, ever, under any circumstances trust a man. In an effort to always keep my distance I shame.
I'm constantly team break-up. Did he cheat on you? Break up with him. Did he lie? Break up with him. Oh he got you carnations instead of roses? Break up with him. I honestly consider breaking up with my boyfriend for the tiniest infractions. Sometimes even for what I think he might do someday. That's not fair and I know it. But I can't stop these feelings. I can't keep myself from punishing us both because of my fears and distrust.
Am I the only crazy lady that acts this way? We live in a world where women are belittled and mistreated on the regular, and there are men who deserve to be directed to the left. As women we fight for the right to be heard and fairly treated. We battle the bad guys and what they stand for constantly. But there are good men, too. There are men that respect us and hold us in high regard. There are men that love with everything they have. There are men who deserve to be loved right back, appreciated, and – if they falter – forgiven.
For all of you who know me well, I'm sure you've already told me that I need to lighten up, and be OK with being in love. It's uber difficult for me. But I'm going to try it. For every sabotaging thought, I'm going to replace it with admiration. I'm going to remember why Jersey Mike turns me all the way on and why I'm so impressed with him as a human being. Perhaps slowly I can trade from team break up to team give love a chance.